When we attempt to make a good conversation, what are the things that we think about? Do we try and be humorous? That’s usually quite a pleasant chat. Do we want to have a deep conversation? It great to talk about things in depth.
What really is important though is how you interact with the person, not what just you have to say. Actually, its not just what you have to say but the way you say it and the reasons why you chose those particular words. What is relevant to a conversation is that all those within the conversation are held as being OK as much as you are yourself. This sounds a bit silly but you’ll find that if you take this fact into account when having a conversation, it will go better if you make sure you still to the good guide of ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’. Below is a diagram of this in action…
When someone takes a one up position, the other person or other people in the conversation are not wanting to be in a one down position and they won’t feel comfortable. The same goes for anyone interacting with others and not taking the importance of the one up or one down position.
These one up/one down positions are very important in ones whole life even from a very young age. If parents have been dominating they will have taken a one up position making the child feel as if they are saying ‘I’m OK (parent) you’re not OK (child), or if a child has been brought up by uncaring or inconsistent parents, although the child doesn’t take the one up position they can feel like ‘I’m OK , You’re not OK as they feel unsafe or vulnerable instead of having the feeling of safety and security around their parents.
The I’m OK, You’re OK model should be kept in mind if you want to have good relationships with others. A mutual respect can be valued more than most other things within a conversation.
At the end of a conversation can you say to yourself…yes I left the conversation feeling OK and I feel that I left the other person feeling OK too? Good, you reached I’m OK, You’re OK.
Whether you’re a city person or a country person, most people find being outdoors somewhere pleasant beneficial to them and their health.
Actually, it has been found to be beneficial to both our physical and mental health.
Going to a park, being in the garden/yard, spending the day in the countryside. If we can do those things then great, but what if we don’t live by a park etc? Well lets go into why we need to have nature to be healthy. What does it do for us? If we can’t get close to nature where we live, can we get second best thing by knowing what nature does for us?
Maybe we can make do with what we do have…
Do we have natural light? Do we have an outdoor space of any size? Do we have a place to sit and be quiet?
Nature is calming, grounding and most times interesting. Most of all it gives you time. Time for you, time to consider, to be… instead of do. Nature doesn’t judge or demand speed.
How about if you just get yourself a little bit of time to breath, to listen to your own heart beat for a moment, to connect your mind and your body again and be with yourself for a while. Five minutes isn’t a massive amount of time but its a massive amount of important time for your well being. No huge organising, planning etc, just find somewhere safe that’s near to you that is the closest thing to the ideal outdoors that you’d wish for, and take five minutes for yourself….
Its hard to know where to start with the topic of Dementia. It affects people in such an individual way but with common threads that are recognisable to anyone who has known Dementia.
Dementia is not something that affects a single individual it is something that happens to an individual which affects whole families/loved ones.
There are stages to Dementia, there are up and downs on the path to where it is going. Just when you think that you have a handle on what’s going on, it has advanced and you are on the back foot again, needing to learn what to do now, today…and tomorrow. How to cope with this unknown, how to care for this loved one and the unknown that now comes with them. It is difficult for the person with Dementia t deal with this for themselves, but it is also so very difficult for the partner/family member or friend who is looking after their loved one.
Its often found that the main carer is lonely, run down or simply exhausted from the new requirements of life. Becoming educated on the subject of Dementia is a good starting point. It tends to alleviate the guilt feeling that occur when frustration for the loved one, and guilt for feeling angry at the loved one start to come into thoughts but reading about how natural that is does make it better on the person. We are all human not just the loved one. We do need to be compassionate on ourselves as well as the person we are looking after. We’re not superhuman, we have feelings, we get tired and we get hurt by the things that are happening around us. and that’s OK. When we feel frustrated, make sure that the person is safe and take a ten minute break to get yourself back together, count to ten and try and start the thing you were trying to do again. If this doesn’t work, you need to zone out for a moment and gather your thoughts that way.
One of the main things to keep you grounded is to remember not to take it personally. Whatever is going on, whatever is being said, you know that you are doing your best and that is good enough. Sometimes… nothing you’ll do is ‘good enough’ on that day and that is the type of day they are having, not the type of day you nee d to have. It sounds ridiculous really to say those things as if it was as easy as that… but it can be done. No-one is saying that its easy…but it can be done. To zone out and take your own pace, not to panic as if the loved ones ‘orders’ are the end of the world. Zoning out and allowing yourself to have your own thoughts for a while is looking after yourself and that’s OK.
Although I am now off the website Meetups, we still hold the group meetings. the next group meeting is on the 18th March at the usual place.
Hope you can make it
I’ve been looking at some books that would be helpful or at the least interesting. I thought that I would add these to a list I have been making:
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Its ok to feel anxious and then think, blimey no wonder…I’m just about to make a presentation to 300 people!
Its ok to feel anxious and then look around to see if what you fear is true, then if not, just carry on with your day.
Its ok to feel anxious and then have to take a moment to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you do get anxious and you’ve seen yourself do this before, but actually everything is ok, and just carry on with your day.
Its ok to feel anxious and then talk to a friend how you feel and discuss the fact that not all anxiety is bad anxiety, but to realise when it is and when its not, then you’re able to just get on with your day.
Its ok to feel anxious and want to take some time to yourself/practice mindfulness and think about how you feel in order to understand that is how you see a situation, rather than how it really is.
Its ok to feel anxious if you don’t let it stop you doing what you want in your life.
You could be talking about it and making sense of how you feel…and feeling better. Its always good to talk about anxiety and the ways we can tackle it…it can be reduced and it can defeated and its ok to get help to defeat it, and feel better, and do things you want in your life……
Anxiety is a thought…and thoughts can change!
If you’re not scared to show your vulnerability on your emotions and then follow it up with your boundaries… it usually ends up as the truth and what you actually wanted to say.
There’s no use playing games with words which end up conveying something that isn’t really the true you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in saying how you feel as long as you follow it up with what you’ll put up with. There’s no need to shout, its far more powerful to say, just say what you think, everything what you feel, not just the soft bits, not just the tough bits… but everything…if its the truth. You can’t expect someone to get to know you if you are not telling them who you are… not telling them who they are with.